My Heart Hurts


My garden of sadness is overgrown by black dandelions, Blow the seeds and make a wish.
No Don’t.
You’re just spreading it around.
Stomp on all the flowers, weed my organs.
Lungs full of black dandelion seeds.
Growth, their growing, am I growing? Or am I shrinking?
I feel so small.
I feel so small in my own head.
Stop it.
Stop that thinking.
It’s too much. You’re too much.
You’re a joke.
Can’t you see everyone is laughing at you?
Everyone is waiting for you to fail. Get on the bus, pay your fare.
Scrape off my heart, inject it into a syringe, inject it back into my chest.
It’s leaking… it’s leaking everywhere.
Through my guts.
Shaken. I’m all shaken up…. pools of my heart leak into my eyes.
I can’t stop crying.
My heart leaks through my tears.
Do I look okay? Does it look like I’ve been crying?
Tear stained cheeks, look down at me
I still feel like I didn’t belong. Why am I always trying to fit in?
I can’t fit into my own leaky heart.
Solidify it. Freeze it. Mix it in gelatin.
For fuck sakes put it back together.
My heart is a gelatin ice cube. Now you know why I’m always cold.
No, you could never warm me up.
People have tried to warm me up before.
Separate me like laundry, place each part of me in different coloured baskets.
Pour fabric softener down my throat, soften the lumps I keep choking on.
I’m not clean…. I can’t get this filth out from underneath my skin.
Peel it back, one giant organ.
Peel it back.
This doesn’t matter at all.
Peel it back… scrape it off.
Take your nails and dig it out.
I scratch my skin until red spots appear.
Vinegar… in my eyes.
Bleach will stain my skin in spots.
Scrub my skin with a wire bristle brush.
My thoughts will never be clear.
Run the bath water until its clear…
What if that takes all day?
What if it takes my whole life?

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